‘I learned
that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave
man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.’
Nelson Mandela
As we are almost half a year into the Good Life
project, I would like to take the liberty of writing a less formal, more
personal post about some of the things I have learned about well-being.
When people talk to me about this blog, I often get
asked what prompted me to start it. The answer is not that simple as many
different factors came together: I always had a general interest in psychology
and then became more specifically interested in personality theory through work.
Also, I have an interest in neuroanatomy and neurophysiology (through my work
as a veterinary radiologist). And then, like many other people, I had phases
when I felt unsatisfied with my life and less happy than I could have been (despite
what can be considered being very fortunate external circumstances), and so I
thought that I would approach the matter from a scientific angle. At the same
time, I discovered the voice-over function on my iPad, which enabled me to
listen to many great books and journal articles during my drive to work,
including literature on personality theory, positive psychology, neuroscience,
philosophy and sociology, as well as biographies of interesting people.
Through these circumstances, I have experienced the
last few years as a unique time of personal growth (not only allowing me to
curb my neurotic and perfectionistic tendencies somewhat but also learning so
many other interesting things on the side), and felt that it would be nice to
share the things that I have learned with others, while simultaneously helping
less fortunate people and animals with my effort through a charity challenge.
One of the things I have found out is that well-being
has a lot to do with courage and letting go or, more precisely, learning when
to let go and when to hold on. Buddhism teaches that desire or craving is one
of the main causes of suffering, a notion certainly supported by
neurophysiology and psychology: Our brains constantly screen the environment and
our internal state, comparing the reality (or again more precisely our
interpretation of the reality) with our expectations. If things go well and the
reality matches or exceeds our expectations then the chemical dopamine gets
released in our ‘reward center’ in the brain, which makes us feel good.1
If on the other hand, reality falls behind our expectations, then we not only
experience a fall in dopamine levels, but we may also feel insecurity, anxiety
and/or emotional pain.1,2
So letting go of expectations and desires helps to
increase our level of well-being. This includes expectations about yourself (‘I
must fit in, …look perfect, …not make mistakes etc.), in respect to other
people in your life (‘He/she/they must/should/ought, or must/should/ought not…’,
‘I must not lose him/her’), your current and future environment and
achievements (‘I must have this’ or ‘I must always be safe’). On the other hand
of course we often need to ‘hold on’ by showing perseverance and determination
in order to get our basic needs met and in order to achieve our private and
professional goals. The key is to know when and how to hold on by focusing our
efforts to change the reality so that it starts matching our expectations, or to
let go by adjusting our expectations. This requires a lot of wisdom, insight (into
yourself and others) and…courage.
We need courage for many things: accepting
ourselves as we are, changing our habits, exploring new ways of living/trying
out new things, and making important decisions in our private lives and
professional roles. Sometimes it can actually take more courage not to act
rather than frantically leaping into action. In any case, as noted by Nelson
Mandela, courage is not the absence of fear. We can experience fear and yet
have the courage do something (holding on) or opt for deliberate inaction,
acceptance and equanimity (letting go). And if we pay attention to our
intentions and outcomes, we may, over time, become less fearful and more
courageous.
There is also one other thing we need courage for
and that is dealing with other people. Other people can be both, the biggest
contributors but also the greatest obstacle to our well-being: On the one end
of the spectrum is a secure social network of a loving family, friends and a
bigger stable society, and on the other loneliness and/or interpersonal
conflicts or conflicts between different groups of people.
Whether we are introverts or extraverts, agreeable
or less sociable: Our brains are hard-wired to need fellow human beings. Not
having sufficient contact with others results in severe negative consequences
for our mental and physical health.1-3 And so we always have to
balance our need for connection on one hand with that of fear and harm
avoidance on the other- and this where we need the courage. We need courage to trust
others, love those closest to us unconditionally, but also to have difficult
conversations when necessary and to settle significant disagreements. We also
need courage in order not to cling too much to the ones we love, to give them (and
us) the room they need. We need courage to find new connections and break old
ties when our relationships do not work out. And sometimes we need courage to
admit that the other person was right or to carry on with relationships even if
they are difficult. Our courage is necessary so that our insecurities and fears
do not determine how we live and interact with others.
When I was talking about the things, which brought
me to investigating happiness and well-being, I did not mention one other
factor: The two sides of my family experienced the last century very differently-
because they lived in different countries with changing borders, politics and
alliances. Incidentally, we have diaries from both family lines, in which their
sometimes quite dramatic experiences during and after the Second World War are
described. These diaries prompted me to read up more about the specific local historical
and political contexts influencing their fates, which in turn lead me to
several highly interesting books about intergroup conflict (see references 4-8
in case that you are also interested to learn more about this topic).
Interestingly, and probably not completely
coincidentally, one of these books was co-edited by one of the founders of the
positive psychology movement,6 and what struck me was that, at the
end of the day, conflicts have a lot to do with well-being. Although our
personalities have of course a large influence on how we interact with our
environment and other people, our well-being is equally important: people who
have a high level of well-being and life satisfaction are more likely to have
better interpersonal relationships and are generally more likely to have
peaceful, open and cooperative attitudes,3 while conflict (whether
between individual people or groups of people) seems to be often fueled by
fears, insecurities and a reactive/defensive rather than cooperative mind-set. And
additionally of course, conflicts with other people (be it in an interpersonal
context or between different groups of people) can have a devastating effect on
the well-being of those involved, which can perpetuate for generations. So our
well-being is not only relevant for us as individuals, but also for the people
we live with and for the larger society.
As much as our brain is hard-wired for connection
and cooperation, it is also relies on assumptions and categorizations so that
we often tend to think of other people in categories, giving them labels
according to their past behaviour, age, gender and sexual orientation,
ethnicity, nationality, religion, political orientation etc.1,2
Conflict between individual people or between groups tend to start if we stop
seeing the people we are dealing with as individual fellow humans but instead
overgeneralize, define them by their label, and if we are guided by our fears.
Great leaders like Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., and Nelson Mandela
have understood this, and knew about the central role that courage plays.
The last weeks, months and in fact years have shown
that we live, once again, in politically and socially challenging times. It is
easy, and probably quite normal, to feel unease, insecurity or even anxiety. So
this is the time to remember that it is not that much the fear that matters, it
is the courage to go on which makes the difference, looking for the positive in
your life and looking for the positive in other people whichever label they
carry. We must dare to trust and connect to others, dare to have empathy and
compassion in order to overcome division and hate. This does not mean being
weak- I don’t think that anybody would accuse Gandhi, King or Mandela of
weakness and of course you need to have sound judgment, negotiate, discuss and
persist when needed. It is about being strong despite uncertainties. In this
way, we do not only feel better ourselves, but we can also have a positive
influence on our world.
The last post on work-related stress has been by
far the most popular and I will come back to topics affecting work at some
point later this year. But first it is time to look into the important subject
of other people and all related aspects in the next few weeks.
Finally, I would like to give a special thanks to
my family who have had the courage to look beyond labels on several occasions
(otherwise I would not be here), and to my husband who has the courage to put
up with me and this time-consuming project! Without your support I would not be
able to do this.
Some more book tips
I have received some book tips from blog followers,
which I would like to pass on:
A
Mindfulness Guide for the Frazzled is an
accessible book about mindfulness by comedian and writer Ruby Wax. I have not
yet got round to reading but it comes highly recommended and is certainly on my
reading list!
Bouncing
Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience
and Well-being by Linda Graham is an evidence-based book exploring the
theme of resilience, which has been the topic of the previous few posts, in
more depth. It has also been recommended to me and I look forward to reading
it.
Preview:
In the first post about other people, we are going
to look at the importance of close interpersonal relationships and what we can
do to strengthen them.
References and further evidence-based
reading:
1. Eagleman D. The Brain:
The story of you. Canongate Books Ltd; Edinburgh, UK. 2015.
2. Siegel D. Mindsight:
Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications;
Oxford, UK. 2011.
3. Diener E, Biswas-Diener
R. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Blackwell
Publishing; Oxford, UK. 2008.
4. Marsh J, Mendoza-Denton
R, Smith JA (Ed.) Are We Born Racist?: New Insights from Neuroscience and
Positive Psychology. Beacon Press; Boston. 2010.
5. Greene J. Moral Tribes:
Emotion, Reason, and the Gap Between Us and Them. Atlantic Books. 2014.
6. Chirot D, Seligman MEP
(Ed.). Ethnopolitical Warfare: Causes, Consequences and Possible Solutions.
American Psychological Association. 2001.
7. Sands P. East West
Street: On the Origins of Genocide and Crimes against Humanity. Weidenfeld
& Nicolson. 2016.
8. Mansour A. Generation Allah: Warum wir im Kampf gegen religiösen
Extremismus umdenken müssen. Fischer Verlag GmbH; Frankfurt am Main. 2015.
If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!
If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!
Follow the Blog- http://followthegoodlifecampaign.blogspot.co.uk
Donations are in aid of the International Rescue Committee and the World Veterinary Service
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