The Good Life Campaign: A Short Note On Boundaries and Saying No

We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.

Melody Beattie (Writer)

We have been discussing the topic of difficult interpersonal relationships in the last few weeks. Among the different strategies there have been two concepts which sound a bit contradictory, but which are both essential when dealing with other people: One is empathy and compassion, and the other is setting boundaries and limits. To deal with others successfully, we need both or -probably more correctly- we need both within the right balance. If we want to have good and reliable relationships with others, we need to be open, have empathy/compassion and help others, but on the other hand we need to be able to look after ourselves, and sometimes protect our interests so that we do not become a ‘doormat’.

We are going to talk about the important topic of empathy and compassion in more detail in the next post, so ahead of this I would just like to provide some brief information on the topic of boundaries and limits:

Through setting boundaries and limits we can build an autonomous inner sense of self, which allows us to stay somewhat independent from other people’s opinions and expectations.¹ We realize that our reality and needs may be different from those of others, and that it is ok like this. We can have our opinion and others can have theirs.
Closely intertwined with the first point is another way in which finding boundaries and limits is important: When working out what is and what is not our responsibility, and when dealing with someone else in distress. While we may care about many people and many things, we cannot take responsibility for everything and everybody. Similarly, when we see that somebody else is in pain (physically or emotionally), it is helpful to stay conscious of the fact that we are observing somebody else’s suffering. We can still be compassionate, acknowledge their pain and try to help if and where we can, but at the same time be mindful that it is not our pain. As we will see, this may be one way of protecting ourselves from compassion fatigue.²
Finally, boundaries also help us to protect us and look after ourselves in another way. As noted in the previous post Don't Forget the Basics, it is absolutely essential that we look after our physical and mental needs adequately, in order to maintain our energy levels.³ This means that we may need to say no from time to time, such as declining to do something or not participate in a project/event in order ensure our well-being. It also means that we may choose not to get involved in trying to solve somebody else’s problem, unless the problem affects us as well or we care greatly about the person and want to support them (e.g. if they are being unfairly treated).

Like so often, this sounds all plausible and easy but we all know that it is sometimes difficult to put in practice. We may be reluctant to say no until we get completely overwhelmed at which point we become defensive and start guarding our borders with hostile vigilance. But there is another way: By taking the advice of Melody Beattie, we all know deep down when our boundaries are being disturbed. However, sometimes we have become less sensitive to our inner voice, or learnt to ignore it. So, as soon as soon as you think that your boundaries may have been disturbed, listen inside yourself; Try to work out if is it a significant violation or not, and/or if it is likely that more violations will occur? If the answer is yes, then the secret is to act early but with moderate measures while trying to stay calm and polite, without resorting to aggression. Most importantly, be consistent. You may explain your reasons briefly but do not apologize unnecessarily.

Admittedly, I am one of the worst offenders here! However, I over time I have improved and I am sure that you can as well. I have found that people will generally honor your boundaries and limits if you can tell them clearly where they are.

References and further reading:

1. Graham L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being. New World Library; Novato. 2013.

2. Gleichgerrcht E, Decety J. Empathy in Clinical Practice: How Individual Dispositions, Gender, and Experience Moderate Empathic Concern, Burnout, and Emotional Distress in Physicians. PLoS ONE. 2013;8(4):e61526.

3. Seppälä E. The Happiness Track: How to Apply the Science of Happiness to Accelerate Your Success. Piatkus; London, UK. 2016.

If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!

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