‘Forgiveness liberates
the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.’
Nelson
Mandela
Has anybody ever hurt you
and you found it difficult to forgive? Maybe this has been years ago and you
are still holding a grudge? Or have you ever made a mistake and you have not
able to forgive yourself for this? For most of us, the answer is going to be
‘yes’. Forgiveness (including self-forgiveness) can be one of the most
difficult things to do, and it may not always possible. However, scientific
evidence shows that forgiveness is good for us and that we should therefore at
least consider the possibility to forgive.
What is forgiveness?
- As with many other things, different people tend to have a different understanding of forgiveness. Some people think that forgiveness means reconciliation (= re-establishing a friendly relationship), that it is only possible if justice has been made, or that forgiveness includes forgetting about the wrongdoing in the sense of ‘forgive and forget’ or that it might even mean excusing or condoning the transgression.
- Most researchers investigating the role of forgiveness understand it to be the conscious choice of a person, who has experienced injustice, to let go of resentment and anger towards the offending person, which sometimes (but not necessarily) includes even positive thoughts or feelings.1-3 Using this definition, forgiveness is not forgetting, condoning, excusing the wrongdoing, and it does not necessarily lead to reconciliation or justice.2 Although forgiveness without reconciliation is possible, true reconciliation cannot occur without forgiveness. Researchers also agree that forgiveness is a process and that certain conditions need to be met before forgiveness is possible.1-3
- Forgiveness has been mostly examined in the context of misconduct between two different individuals (e.g. within marriages, or as a process of restorative justice within the criminal law), but increasingly research has also explored the role of forgiveness between different groups of people (e.g. in civil wars and other conflicts) and self-forgiveness.1-4
Why forgiveness is good for us
Suffering
a significant injustice, injury, disappointment or betrayal can be a very
painful experience. If this experience is not resolved, we can get caught up in
it; we may allow ourselves to be defined by what happened to us and feeling constant
anger, resentment, hostility and bitterness towards the person who has caused
(or who we believe has caused) our suffering.5 Constantly
experiencing and holding onto these strong negative emotions further aggravates
our distress. It also ties us to our past and prevents us from moving on in our
lives. In the long run, these strong negative emotions can even have serious
negative consequences for our physical health.6,7
But
the transgressions do not even have to be severe: interpersonal conflicts in
marriages or between friends and family members can sometimes arise over
relatively minor issues, which then escalate over time as the parties are
caught up in mutual retaliations and revenge.8 It is therefore
important to differentiate between true transgressions which have caused us
genuine emotional pain, and unhelpful negative emotions where someone has
merely hurt our (false) pride.6
It
has been shown that forgiveness has multiple positive effects on us- it can give us peace,
closure, and reduce our suffering; improved general
mental and physical well-being; and it prevents
the vicious circle of retaliation.6-8 Interestingly, even in
good relationships, we spend about 1/3rd of the time with repairing
the relationship and as forgiveness is important for reconciliation, it strengthens
relationships.5,8
In
summary, forgiveness can moderate our
transformation from a position of negativity, defensiveness and victimization
into a situation of hope, liberation and self-determination. This is why
Nelson Mandela thought of forgiveness as liberating the soul. In fact, rather
than considering forgiveness to be a compassionate move towards the person who
has mistreated you, you can see it as an act of self-compassion. Archbishop Desmond
Tutu (Mandela’s fellow anti-apartheid campaigner) has also supported this
notion by saying that “to forgive is not just to
be altruistic, it is the best form of self-interest.”
How can we forgive?
Different
teaching strategies for forgiveness have been developed and successfully
conducted in many different contexts, including marriages, divorced couples,
survivors of child abuse, group conflicts and many others.7-9 What is very
important, is that if we forgive automatically, uncritically or too quickly we can
make it too easy for others to get away with their misconducts, and we may also
lose self-respect and later regret not standing up for ourselves.8 Following
steps and considerations have been found essential or helpful in the
forgiveness process:1-3,8
- Forgiveness is a very personal process, which needs to be voluntary and heartfelt. It also needs an appropriate time; you cannot rush it.
- First, we need to fully acknowledge that somebody else’s wrongdoing has changed our life, and that some form of betrayal, injury, injustice or disappointment has taken place.
- We then need to allow ourselves an appropriate time to deal with the emerging negative emotions and grief. Naturally, this process may take longer if we have gone through a significant traumatic experience, but there are also individual differences.
- Psychologist Dr. Frederic Luskin has identified that acceptance is essential for forgiveness: to forgive is basically making your peace with the fact that you got a negative outcome- that something did not go the way you expected. This point is poignantly echoed by the quote of American actress and comedian Lily Tomlin who said that ‘forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past’. This may be one reason, why forgiveness can be so difficult. But this also implies that our capacity for forgiveness may increase by cultivating acceptance.
- It has been shown that telling a few trusted and caring people about our difficult experience can help us to move on in the forgiveness process. Keeping the experienced transgression as a secret is just as unhelpful as complaining to everybody about our grievance.
- Trying to see the other person’s perspective and having a compassionate attitude can be very helpful- we all make mistakes and we are all likely to cause somebody else pain at some point in our lives. It is a reminder of our common humanity. However, it may be difficult to feel true empathy and compassion towards offenders of severe transgressions and crimes.
- Finally, try to explore the possibility of forgiveness (remember that this is an act of self-interest liberating your soul!) and decide if you want to aim for reconciliation.
- Two special caveats have been identified about forgiveness and reconciliation in marriages:
- It has been shown that if a partner frequently misbehaves and is granted frequent forgiveness, relationships tend to become more problematic over time. On the other hand, in relationships where one or both partners rarely behave badly, forgiveness can genuinely strengthen the marriage.
- If the partner shows no remorse then forgiveness is unlikely to support the relationship, as the partner is likely to misbehave again.
Are some things unforgivable?
As
forgiveness is such an individual matter, the answer to this question really
depends on personal factors. Theoretically, nothing is unforgivable as the role
of forgiveness has even been examined in the context of genocide, but there are
huge individual differences:7,9,11,12
- The willingness and ability to forgive depends on many factors, including individual personality traits and disposition, and severity of the transgression.12 What is forgivable to one person may be absolutely unforgivable to another.
- Our definition of forgiveness may also make a difference: For example, if we think that forgiveness means pardoning or forgetting the offence, we may not be able to grant forgiveness whereas this may be possible if we see forgiveness as an independent concept to free ourselves from the negative consequences of the offence (in line with the definition used by the major forgiveness researchers).
- Religious affiliation may also influence our definition of forgiveness. All main religions strongly endorse the notion of forgiveness, but may have a variable understanding of what forgiveness entails. In Judaism for example, the offender needs to show sincere repentance before he can be forgiven. Furthermore, forgiveness can only be granted by the victim of the transgression, meaning that according to the Jewish definition, murder is unforgivable.
- However, regardless of our religious affiliation, it has been shown that a sincere apology, restitution and/or punishment of the offender can make it easier for us to forgive. So although this is not a pre-requisite for forgiveness according to forgiveness research, we may not be able to forgive if we do not receive an apology or have a strong sense of injustice.
How can we make an effective apology?
If you have
been the person whose actions have caused some damage or hurt someone else, and
you are seeking forgiveness then you may find the following tips helpful:10
- Fully acknowledge your offense and recognise your responsibility. Be as specific and honest as possible.
- In some cases it may be helpful to provide an explanation, for example if the offense occurred due to thoughtlessness and was not intentional. However, it is important to avoid any explanations, which may sound like an excuse.
- Show repentance and express your feelings of guilt and regret. Make clear that your are disappointed in yourself and show your firm intention to improve your behaviour.
- Offer amendments, which are truly helpful to the other person. If any damage to property has occurred, offer compensation, repair or replacement. If you disappointed or hurt the other person (rather than causing damage to property), then it may help to ask the victim what would mean the most to them.
Further information on the web:
- In this short YouTube video Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield explains what forgiveness means
- Different forgiveness exercises can be found on the Greater Good Website, which may guide you through the forgiveness process.
- Further information on forgiveness by the three most prominent forgiveness researchers can be found at https://internationalforgiveness.com/why-forgive.htm, http://www.evworthington-forgiveness.com/reach-forgiveness/ and http://learningtoforgive.com/about/
A great book on the topic:
Simon
Wiesenthal has been mainly known for his investigative work, which helped to
bring many Nazi war criminals to justice. However, he has also written a very
thought-provoking book on the subject of forgiveness: The Sunflower- On the possibilities and limits of forgiveness
This
book is divided into two parts: The first part is a parable-like story at the
end of which the reader is asked the hypothetical question, how he/she would
react if faced with the same situation as the main character, i.e. if they
would grant forgiveness. The second part of the book includes essays by many
prominent thinkers, writers, political leaders and activists, theologians and
victims of genocide giving their answer to the same question. The authors of
the essays are from very diverse backgrounds, ranging from the Dalai Lama to
Hitler’s architect and minister Albert Speer.
The
Sunflower is a fascinating read, which illustrates how deeply personal the
question of forgiveness is.
Preview: Acceptance has not only
a central role in forgiveness but it can also generally contribute to our well-being-
which is why will have a closer look at acceptance in the next post.
References and further reading:
1.
Wade NG, Hoyt WT, Kidwell JEM, Worthington EL. Efficacy
of Psychotherapeutic Interventions to Promote Forgiveness: A Meta-Analysis.
Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. 2014; 82(1):154–170.
2. Baskin TW, Enright RD. Intervention Studies on
Forgiveness: A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Counseling and Development.
2004;82:79-90.
3. Harris AH, Luskin FM, Benisovich SV, Standard S,
Bruning J, Evans S, Thoresen C. Effects of a Group Forgiveness Intervention on
Forgiveness, Perceived Stress and Trait Anger: A Randomized Trial. Journal of
Clinical Psychology. 2006;62(6):715-733.
4. Hall JH, Fincham FD. Self-forgiveness: The stepchild
of forgiveness research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology.
2005;24(5):621-637.
5. Graham L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for
Maximum Resilience and Well-Being. New World Library; Novato. 2013.
6. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to
Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, England.
2010.
7. Worthington EL. The New Science of Forgiveness. 2004.
Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_new_science_of_forgiveness
8. Lyubomirsky S. The Myths of Happiness: What should
make you happy but doesn’t, what shouldn’t make you happy but does. Penguin
Books; New York. 2013.
9. Van Tongeren DR, Burnette JL, O’Boyle E, Worthington
EL, Forsyth DR. A meta-analysis of intergroup forgiveness. The Journal of
Positive Psychology. 2014;9:81-95.
10. Lewicki RJ, Polin B, Lount RB. An exploration of the
structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research.
2016;9(2):177-196.
11. Wiesenthal S. The Sunflower: On the Possibilities and Limits of
Forgiveness. Random House, UK. 1998.
12. Cohen A.
Research on the science of forgiveness: An annotated bibliography. 2004.
Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_science_of_forgiveness_an_annotated_bibliography
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