Strengthening The Bond- Improving Relationships With Other People

‘If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?’

                                                                                                                        Stephen Levine (Poet and Author)

                                                                                                                             

       

As explained in the last post (The Bond Between Us- Social Relationships), our well-being relies to a very large degree on close and trusting relationships with others. This applies as much to an individual interpersonal level as to the relationship between different groups of people. Human relationships are complex; although we have huge capacities for mutual understanding as well as supportive and empathic behaviour, there is clearly also a tremendous potential for misunderstandings and conflicts. 

All human interaction depends very much on two things: communication and emotions. Interestingly it has been shown that in interpersonal interactions only 7% of the emotional meaning is conveyed in words (explicit verbal communication), whereas 38% are communicated through the tone and rhythm of the voice and an astonishing 55% of meaning is communicated through our language and facial expressions (non-verbal communication).¹ This is worthwhile to bear in mind in any situation, but it is probably particularly important to remember when dealing with difficult interpersonal relationships, which we will come to in another post shortly.

So any relationship depends on our ability and willingness to make ourselves understood with both, verbal and non-verbal signals and to interpret the signals of the other person correctly. And the other person has to do the same. No wonder that so many things can go wrong! 

Today we will look initially at all the practical things we can do to develop and support good relationships in general terms, mainly focusing on ‘uncomplicated’ relationships. With ‘uncomplicated’ I mean that there are no major conflicts and the people involved have no general difficulties to form relationships. The next two posts are then going to look into the more tricky aspects of relationships. 

You are the key:

This may sound very basic but is probably the most important thing to bear in mind. As much as we would love it, we cannot directly change other people. You are the only person whose attitude and behaviour you can directly change. As a general rule, people tend to respond positively on positive interactions (and negative on negative interactions) through the way of emotional contagion and reciprocity.^2-4 So, most of the time and with most people your efforts to build and improve relationships will be rewarded. However, we are well advised not to expect (or even worse demand) gratitude, affection, attention or certain behaviours of others. 

As mentioned earlier, dealing well with other people requires good communication skills; but additionally, we also need a healthy portion of persistence, courage and emotional intelligence, including (self-)acceptance, self-knowledge, empathy and compassion.^1,2 These skills can be learned and we will cover the more general underlying principles of social interactions in the following weeks.

So what can I do?

Of course there are different types of relationships, which influence how we deal with the other person(s), e.g. romantic partners/spouses, children, parents, other family members, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, customers or clients, and strangers that we meet in our private daily lives. 

The following points therefore apply to the different types of relationships to a variable degree: 

• Try and treat every interaction as an opportunity to create or strengthen a relationship.⁷ The more time we spend with other people, the more likely we are to benefit from the social contact,⁷ provided that we have meaningful interactions. 

• Have realistic expectations of other people and your relationships. For example, it is completely normal for romantic relationships to make a transformation from ‘passionate love’ to ‘compassionate love’ over the years. Desire and passion usually gives way to a calmer and more friendship-like relationship, and if we are not careful, the effects of hedonic adaptation may make us take other people (including our partner) for granted.^5,6 This does not mean that there is a problem with the relationship itself- it is an entirely normal effect. However, introducing variety, stimulation and surprise into your relationship helps to delay the effects of hedonic adaptation somewhat, so that you don’t get stuck in a rut that easily. ^5,7 Be inventive, plan little surprises for your partner and try new activities together.

• Be attentive and listen: One reason good relationships with other people are so important for us is, because these people make us feel that we matter; they give us the sense that we are truly being heard and seen.^1,2  However, we can only give somebody the feeling that he/she is being heard if we are prepared to give them our full attention and if we are prepared to listen. 

• Rules for good communication:
• There are four types of responding when being involved in any conversation: active constructive (we show active support), passive constructive (understated support), passive destructive (we ignore what the other person says or does), and active destructive (we criticise or point out negative aspects about what the other person says or does). Here are some examples: If somebody tells us that they got a job promotion, we can say ‘Excellent news! You really deserve this for all your hard work. What does your new role involve?’ (active constructive), or plainly reply ‘How nice.’ (passive constructive), or ‘I wonder what we should have for dinner tonight.’ (passive destructive), or ‘I bet that will involve a lot of overtime. Do you really think that you will be able to cope with that?’ Unsurprisingly, giving an active constructive response (whenever possible) fosters a higher degree of trust, intimacy and satisfaction in relationships.⁵ 
• If you don’t like what the other person says or does, it is of course possible to give suggestions for improvement and even criticism where appropriate. However, in order for our relationships to grow, it is important to give this more negative feedback in a constructive and tactful way, with the genuine intention to improve the situation, rather than the intention to hurt or belittle the other person.⁶ In fact, particularly if there is the need for any sort of criticism, it helps to also mention the things the other person is doing well- this tends to make critical comments more effective.⁶ 
• If we want our relationships to become closer, we need to have the courage to open up and allow others to share our experiences, emotions and thoughts. Sharing with others strengthens our social bonds, as it creates closeness and an atmosphere of safety and trust.^1,7 Opening up also means being able to ask others for help in times of need. This is what friends are for and many people are only too happy to help, as this improves their well-being as well.^6,7
• Decrease needlessly negative comments, gossip and sarcasm: Talking negatively about others and make sarcastic jokes may sometimes feel relieving or even exciting, but in the long run it actually has a corrosive effect on us and others. When you talk about other people (whether they are present or not) try to avoid needless aggression. Life is sometimes tough enough so there is no need to increase the negativity by additional negative, unproductive chatter. This does of course not mean, that you cannot get things of your chest, but when we talk about negative experiences, we should try to do this in a measured way without adding additional negativity.⁷ 

• Positive affirmation of other people, helping others to grow and achieve their ‘ideal self’: If we are generous and provide others with support and encouragement, they are more likely to do the same for us when we need it.⁵

• Appreciation and gratitude:^5,7 Appreciating and feeling grateful for the presence of others in our lives makes us feel closer to them. But we can deepen our relationships even further if we are able to express this appreciation to the other person and tell them that they matter to us. This is what the quote by Stephen Levine about. So ensure that you make that phone call before it is too late.  

• The power of touch: Physical contact with people we trust releases the ‘bonding hormone’ oxytocin, which makes us feel calm, relaxed and content. At the same time, our stress hormones are decreased.⁵ So when appropriate, physical contact helps to deepen our connections.

• Increase opportunities to feel joy, contentment, curiosity and pride (about achievement): Feeling these positive emotions gives us more trust and openness when dealing with other people,⁵ and they can therefore help us to build relationships.

• Be prepared to forgive: Forgiveness is a difficult topic and will be discussed in more detail in a separate post. However, it has been shown that the capacity for genuine forgiveness contributes to positive relationships.⁵

• Be empathic, compassionate and kind:
• Small acts kindness reaffirm relationships and allow new ones to grow.^5,7 This does not need to be anything too taxing: helping your partner with household chores, giving a colleague a compliment or buying somebody their favourite bar of chocolate is enough to help and increase your bonds. You do not need a reason for these small courtesies, in fact, if they are random they increase the effect of surprise, which may increase their effect even further.⁵
• Empathy and compassion lie at the very root of positive mutual relationships.^1,2 You can cultivate empathy and compassion for example by loving-kindness meditations,⁷ which is a practice allowing you to increase feelings of warmth and caring for yourself and others. This form of meditation has shown to have several benefits, including increased feelings of self-acceptance, trust and sense of meaning, which all benefit our ability to connect with others.⁷ There will be a separate post on the important topic of empathy and compassion, and it will also feature in the next two posts as a key element when dealing with more difficult relationships.

Preview: As we all know, relationships are not always straightforward- next week we will look into the reasons why people sometimes find it difficult to connect, and what we can do about it. 

References and further evidence-based reading:

1. Graham L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being. New World Library; Novato. 2013.

2. Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.

3. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, England. 2010. 

4. Greene J. Moral Tribes: Emotion, Reason, and the Gap Between Us and Them. Atlantic Books. 2014

5. Lyubomirsky S. The Myths of Happiness: What should make you happy but doesn’t, what shouldn’t make you happy but does. Penguin Books; New York. 2013. 

6. Diener E, Biswas-Diener R. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Blackwell Publishing; Oxford, UK. 2008

7. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, England. 2010.

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