The Good Life Campaign: The Bond Between Us- Social Relationships

‘Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.’

Marcel Proust (Writer)

Scientific research has long recognised the key role that good social relationships play when it comes to our mental well-being, and it appears to be in fact the single most important factor.^1-4,6-7 There is certainly a two-directional association here, as having reliable and secure relationships with family members, romantic partners and friends increases our well-being, but we also tend to be better in building and reinforcing these bonds when we are happy.² On the other hand, as mentioned in the last post (On A Personal Note: About Courage, Letting Go and Other People) there is no doubt that other people can also have a very negative impact on our well-being.

The topic of social relationships is obviously huge, but I will try my best to focus on the most important points. This week’s post is going to give a broad overview over the importance of social ties and which general aspects we may need to consider when dealing with others, and the posts of the following weeks will then focus on more specific individual topics.

Some facts about your relationship with other people, which may surprise you:

We humans are a deeply social species, and our neural networks are primed for social interactions. There are dedicated brain areas for communication (verbal and non-verbal such as the decoding facial expressions), the ability to feel the pain of others, and reading their intentions and emotions.^3-4 The increasing knowledge about the processes in our brains in respect to social relationships has led to the formation of a new scientific discipline called social neuroscience, which examines the influence of our neural networks on human behaviour, social affiliation and interactions, and moral decision-making.
Neuroscience has revealed many interesting findings on the topic of happiness, which I will try to cover in a separate post at some point, but here are some interesting facts on relationships:

The feeling of social exclusion or rejection activates brain areas which are normally responsible for processing physical pain sensations,³ which probably explains why the feeling of isolation and loneliness is experienced as so painful.
On the other hand, a positive connection to another person activates ‘resonance circuits’, and we be become attuned. We are able to guess somebody else’s intentions and emotions, enabling us to predict their behaviour and to feel empathy and compassion, which are two essential capabilities when dealing with other people. In this way the internal state of another person can even have an influence on our own heart rate and blood pressure.⁴
When we observe facial expressions of others, our own corresponding muscle groups become activated, although this may not be externally visible. We seem to need this minimal movement of our own muscles in order to interpret the emotions/mood of that other person correctly: It has been shown that people with facial paralysis and people who have undergone Botox treatment (which reduces wrinkles by paralysing certain areas of the face) find it more difficult to interpret the facial expressions of other people.^2,3 The mimicking of other people’s expression also contributes to the observation that couples in close, long-term relationships start looking more and more like each other.^3,4
When we feel connected, the chemical oxytocin gets released, which re-inforces our positive state by making us feel at ease, calm and relaxed.⁷

The need to have social connections is independent from our personality, whether we are extraverted or more introverted;² we all need other people, although we may differ in the number of connections that we have and whether the contact with other people energises us, which applies to extraverts. But this does not mean that extraverts are automatically sociable and/or that they have better social relationships than introverts. In fact, some extraverted people can be very difficult contemporaries, for example if they are low on agreeableness.⁵
One of the reasons why other people have so much influence on our well-being is that positive but also negative moods and behaviours of others can ‘rub off’ on us. We have all experienced this: If we are in contact with positive people, they can lift us up, but somebody with a negative mood can also drag us down. This effect is called emotional contagion andcan actually result in a perpetuating upward or downward group dynamic.^4,6
Good relationships with other people do not only benefit our mental well-being, but also make us physically healthier and live longer.²
The huge positive impact of social support by other people on our lives is demonstrated by the fact that in countries in which social support is part of the culture, the general level of well-being also tends to be rated as very high.⁸

How other people can make the difference

There are several ways in which other people can have a positive influence on our lives, and there are of course many different types of relationships (e.g. romantic relationships/marriage, family bonds, and connections with friends and colleagues). Ways in which our connection to other people can be beneficial to us include:

Having somebody who we can love or care about, and feeling that somebody cares about us directly evokes positive emotions in us; it makes us feel safe and secure, and gives us a sense of validation, but also an outward focus.^1,2,4,6,7
Sharing activities and experiences with other people often makes the activities more fun and enjoyable.^1,6
In difficult times, we can give each other emotional and practical support.^1,2,6
The diversity of other people, including different ideas, knowledge and passions can enrich our lives; they can make us grow, prompt us to develop our own ideas and interests, and challenge us to accomplish.^1,2 We also tend to achieve more in a team than alone.⁶
Other people can also give us a sense of identity. Affiliating with others, be it in a family, at work, in a club, religious or political organisation gives us the sense to be part of something bigger than we are, an opportunity of self-transcendence, and a sense of belonging.^1,2,6
Other people can also give us a sense of meaning or purpose in our lives.¹

What kind of relationships do we need?

As already mentioned, there are several different types of social bonds, but being in a long-term relationship, having a large family and big circle of friends will not automatically increase your happiness. It is the quality of the relationships which counts,² as it is certainly possible to ‘feel alone in a crowd’. Close connections with people we trust and with whom we can share our most intimate thoughts are the ones, which make the difference. In fact it has been shown that having just one other person in our life who is able to provide social support, has a direct positive impact on our well-being and stress resilience.⁸ This trusted person does not necessarily need to be a spouse, it can also be a family member or a friend.

Interestingly, the subjective feeling to be connected and socially supported seems to be more important than the actual level of received support.⁸ Also, it is not all about receiving: being able to provide support and performing acts of kindness can also increase our well-being.^1,2,6

Why it can be difficult to have good relationships

There are many reasons why it may be difficult to form stable and close relationships. Sometimes this may be due to external circumstances, but more commonly it has to do with interpersonal difficulties. These can for example arise if we have a high level of insecurities, anxieties, frustrations or feelings of shame when interacting with other people, or if we are unable to read our own emotions or lack empathy and compassion for ourselves and/or others.⁴ And other people can obviously have similar problems, making it more difficult for us to communicate with them.

Even if we do not generally have problems when interacting with other people, there are plenty of opportunities for misunderstandings and miscommunications. Not all of us find it easy to deal well with conflict situations, and we may lose our interpersonal skills and empathy when we get stressed or hurt.⁹ We may also start taking other people for granted due to the effects of hedonic adaptation.^1,2,8

Further information on the web

One of my lovely colleagues has found this great TED talk, where psychiatrist Robert Waldinger summarizes the results of one of the longest studies on happiness and life-satisfaction that has ever been conducted. This interesting lecture will no doubt prompt you to review your priorities in life: https://www.ted.com/What Makes A Good Life

A truly amazing person- What can we learn from…:

Philippe Pozzo di Borgo and Abdel Sellou are both remarkable people from very different walks of life, who have developed a very unlikely friendship: Philippe, was born into a wealthy aristocratic French family and enjoyed a successful, comfortable life until tragic events took place: First his wife was diagnosed with cancer and then a paragliding accident left him tetraplegic, only able to move his head. Only three years after the accident his wife died. Abdel was born in Algeria, but grew up at his aunt and uncle in Paris, initially living a carefree life and engaging in a criminal career.

The paths of Philippe and Abdel crossed when Philippe needed a new carer and life assistant, and Abdel had to attend job interviews to continue receiving unemployment benefits- although he had no intention of accepting job offers. However, against all odds, the encounter turned out to be life-changing as Philippe offered Abdel the job and Abdel accepted. Over many years, the two very different characters developed a deep friendship, helping each other in quite different ways.

Philippe says about Abdel’s time as his carer: ‘He was unbearable, vain, proud, brutal, inconsistent, human. Without him, I would have rotted to death. Abdel looked after me without fail, as if I was a babe in arms. Attentive to the smallest detail, close to me when I was miles away from myself, he set me free when I was a prisoner, protected me when I was weak, made me laugh when I cried. He was my guardian devil.’ Whereas Abdel says about Philippe: ‘Monsieur Pozzo talked to me like a father would, and advisor, a sage. He tried to teach me order and morality, values that had always been completely foreign to me. He did it gently, with intelligence, so as not to put me on the defensive as I was with the teachers, the police, and the judges (…) Monsieur Pozzo is perhaps simply a friend. The first one. The only one.’

We can learn many things about the importance of strong and mutually supporting connections with others from these two extraordinary people, but one of the most fascinating aspects is that if we have the courage to be open-minded and willing to take other people as they are, we may be able to find unexpected friendships: We can find ‘gardeners who make our souls blossom’ even among people who seem very different to us.

Philippe and Abdel have given an insight into their lives and unique friendship in two books- A Second Wind by Philippe Pozzo di Borgo and You Changed My Life by Abdel Sellou- giving a thought-provoking and quite often very funny account of their experiences. Their story was also the basis of the entertaining Comedy-Drama The Intouchables - a movie, which is definitely worthwhile watching.

Preview: Next week we are going to look into which practical steps we can take to grow closer and better relationships with other people.

References and further evidence-based reading:

1. Seligman MEP. Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being- and How to Achieve Them. Nicholas Brealey Publishing; London, UK. 2011.

2. Diener E, Biswas-Diener R. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Blackwell Publishing; Oxford, UK. 2008.

3. Eagleman D. The Brain: The story of you. Canongate Books Ltd; Edinburgh, UK. 2015.

4. Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.

5. Nettle D. Personality: What makes you the way you are. Oxford University Press; New York. 2007.

6. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, England. 2010.

7. Hanson R: Hardwiring Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider Ebury Publishing, Random House, UK. 2013.

8. Layous K, Lyubomirsky S. The How, Why, What, When and Who of Happiness. In: Gruber J, Moskowitz JT (Ed.), Positive Emotion: Integrating the Light Sides and Dark Sides. Oxford University Press; New York. 2014.

9. Peters D. The neurobiology of resilience. InnovAiT. 2016;9(6):333-341.

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