‘We must learn to live
together as brothers or we will perish together as fools.’
Martin Luther King Jr (Civil Rights Activist)
If there is one thing
that I have learned since investigating the topic of well-being and positive
psychology then it is that our well-being is influenced by pretty much all
aspects of our lives, and that it is often about getting the balance right.
As
previously mentioned in The Bond Between Us- Social Relationships, good interpersonal
relationships and positive interactions with other people have been identified
as the single most important factor for our happiness.1-4 However, having
poor relationships or conflicts with other people can have a huge negative
impact on an individual as well as on communities. As we all know, human behaviour
can range from instances of extreme compassion and selflessness, to the most
terrible acts of violence and cruelty. What may be a little less well-known
that our behaviour and interaction with other people is not always based on
deliberate decision making and methodical moral reasoning but that it is
partially driven by automatic or subconscious response patterns, some of which
have already been featured in other posts.4-6
If
we want to increase our personal well-being and that of others, we need to balance
our individual needs with that of the people we feel close to, and also with
those we seem to have less in common with. In order to make wise choices, it is
helpful to be aware the underlying decision-making processes, which is why they
are summarised in this post.
Me and We
The
desire to affiliate with others and create mutual relationships is a very basic
human need.1-5 In the very hostile pre-historic environment, the
ability to form stable and cooperative groups was a definite advantage for survival.5,6
So our need for connection is
somewhat hard-wired into our brains, together with the capacity to feel empathy
and compassion (see also Why Should I Care? About Empathy and Compassion). Bonding with others
gives us a sense of belonging, safety
and trust, and even in our modern times, we can achieve more in a group
than as an individual.4-8
The
price that we have to pay for this belonging is that sometimes we may have to compromise our short-term personal
interests for the benefits of others (the people we care about or society
at large) and that we have to behave
according to certain social and
ethical/moral rules.2,5,6 To provide some very basic examples,
if we have a family we may sometimes neglect our need for rest and relaxation
in order to look after our children adequately, or we pay our taxes although we
would rather keep all of the money we earn.
If
we do not adhere to these rules (for example if we behave unethically or
against the general value system, or break the law), we are likely to be at
least criticized, or even punished and/or expelled from our social group.5,6
Being excluded by others is a very strong potential threat, because social rejection activates a region in the
brain, which is normally responsible
for the processing of pain (literally a very hurtful experience).3,5
If
we break certain social or moral codes, we may also feel guilt. Guilt is a helpful negative emotion,
motivating us to behave better in future
and to repair the connection with
others, which we may have damaged by our transgression.7 (N.B. it is
important to differentiate the helpful negative emotion of guilt from the
unhelpful emotion of shame. Guilt is feeling bad about something we have done. Shame is feeling bad about
who we are or a certain aspect of
ourselves so that we do not feel good
enough as we are. The reason why shame can be considered an unhelpful
negative emotion is because it generally does not help us progress or change
our situation for the better, as we can generally not change who we are).7
But
it is not just the risk of being excluded or the uncomfortable feeling of
guilt, which makes us stick to social rules and norms. It has been shown that cooperating with others is self-rewarding
as it activates brain regions, which make us feel good - even if this puts us
at a material or other personal disadvantage.5 Similarly, it has
been demonstrated that caring for others
and a compassionate attitude can also be directly rewarding.2,5,9
Of
course we may sometimes need to assert
our needs (and rights) to ensure that the group interest does not overly
compromise our individual needs (e.g. basic needs such as appropriate
rest/relaxation, but also social freedoms), see also the posts A Short Note On Boundaries And Saying No and Don't Burn Out- Resilience At Work for more information. We
also need to find solutions in cases when
there are significant discrepancies
between our own values/beliefs and that of our group, which we may be able
to find by discussion or negotiation or – in more extreme cases – by leaving
the group voluntarily.4,5
There
are significant individual differences
as to the degree of cooperation that each of us is prepared to offer for the
sake of the group. For example, people scoring high on the personality traits
of agreeableness are more likely to seek harmony in relationships and are
therefore more likely to sacrifice some of their interests for the benefit of
the group.2,10 Also, people with a high level of subjective
well-being are also more likely to be trusting and to have open, peaceful and
cooperative attitudes;1,2 as this attitude tends to result in better
interpersonal relationships and also positively influences the behaviour of the
people around us through emotional contagion,4,7 the trusting and
cooperative behaviour provides an additional self-reinforcing reward not only
for the individual but also for their community and larger society.
Us and Them
Because
our drive to form groups is so strong, there are – logically – always people
who are outside this group. The human
brain is a very effective ‘label machine’: in order to process all incoming
information rapidly and efficiently, it constantly separates information into
different categories.3-5 This is a natural and automatic process
which can be greatly helpful to orientate us in a confusing world full of
information and stimulation. However, when it comes to dealing with other people,
it can create borders between fellow
humans: Our brain separates others according to visual cues such as gender,
age, ethnicity and bodily appearance but also more subtle categories such as nationality,
occupation, social status/class, or religion etc. - and quickly decides if they
are in-group or out-group members.
In-group and out-group thinking is not only underlying many interpersonal and social conflicts (e.g. discrimination of people based on
their gender or sexual orientation, age, ethnicity etc.) and hate crimes, but
also war and other violent conflicts.5,6
These conflicts clearly compromise the well-being the affected parties and a
lot of research effort has therefore been targeted at the ‘in-group out-group
thinking’ and associated thinking patterns.
In
the previous post about Empathy and Compassion we have discussed the fact that our brains have a complex ‘resonance
circuits’ and that we can experience the pain of others as if it was our
own. However, it may make a difference if we perceive the person who is
suffering to be an in-group or an out-group member. Although there a big
individual variations, as a general rule we tend to have a greater empathic response if the affected person is an in-group member,
and if we are experiencing the suffering
directly rather than if the event takes place at a greater distance and we
hear about it indirectly.3-5
What
is very interesting though, is that while
our brain is very quick and effective in attaching labels to people, it is also very flexible. For example, it
turns out that categories like race/ethnic origin can very quickly become
meaningless and obsolete if another group alliance is formed, and the
individual members have another overarching aim and interest (the composition
of premier league football teams is a clear illustration of this fact!).5
This means that divisions may be
relatively easily overcome in certain situations, for example when having
positive personal contact with an out-group member, which can give us a sense
of shared reality and values.13
So there is truth in the famous quote by Nelson Mandela that ‘No one
is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin or his
background or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to
hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human
heart than its opposite.’
Aside from the basic
in-group/out-group thinking there are also other brain processes to consider
such as memory and type of thinking. It has been shown that the majority of our
behaviour is based on our implicit
memory. This type of memory stores our assumptions, expectations, values,
emotions associated with previous experiences and automatic behavioural
patterns,14 in contrast to our explicit memory which stores our
conscious life experiences. Similarly, we have two types of thinking: rapid cognition is fast, effortless and
intuitive thinking based on our implicit memories, emotions, and bodily
experiences whereas slow cognition is the deliberate rational analysis and
contemplation of a problem. Both types of memories and thinking have their
place, but it has been shown that implicit
memory and rapid cognition are very prone to prejudice and incorrect
assumptions. They are in many situations incorrect and lead to wrong
decision making when dealing with other people, particularly when dealing with
members of out-groups.4,6,13 In these situations, it may be
therefore more helpful to deliberately engage slow thinking.6,13
While
lack of empathy and compassion may explain indifference and apathy towards the
suffering of others with whom we have no direct contact or who we do not
perceive to be an in-group person, it is only part of the story. For significant conflicts to arise, there are
also additional factors to consider such as dehumanization, significant political
and/or economic changes, polarization and propaganda, previous or anticipated
conflicts, which contribute to fear, resentment and/or the desire for revenge.3,11
As already mentioned on previous occasions in this blog, strong negative emotions such as fear reduce the capacity for rational
thinking and empathy, and result in a reactive
mindset in which we may choose aggressive or even violent over peaceful
means.4,12
So in order not to
‘perish together as fools’ when dealing with an out-group member(s) (be it from
a competing business team, a different age group, ethnic group or social class
etc.) it can be helpful to:
- Be aware that our tendency of in-group/out-group thinking, and our implicit memory and rapid cognition may not always give us the best advice.
- Remind ourselves of our common humanity and cultivate compassion regardless of group affiliation.
- Learn to deal constructively with negative emotions as they arise.
A truly amazing person- What
can we learn from…:
Kirthi Jayakumar is an
Indian lawyer, women’s rights activist and writer with a strong interest in
civilian peace building, international law and Human Rights issues. When a disturbing
news story triggered memories of her own sexual abuse as a child, she decided
to tell others about her experience the form of a story. Kirthi Jayakumar
noticed how this story telling helped her to explore and overcome the trauma,
which motivated her to found the The Red Elephant Foundation. This charity
offers a platform where survivors, change-makers and peace-workers from around
the world can share their stories with others, and also offers education
programs for communities to address issues of gener inequality and violence, as
well as supporting victims of violence practical information and support.
Kirthi Jayakumar’s work that in-group/out-group thinking can have many facets-
but that there are also always people prepared to cross the gap between Us and
Them. To learn more about her life and amazing work go to http://www.redelephantfoundation.org and
Great books on the topic:
Ten Types Of Human by Dexter
Dias is one of the most accessible and fascinating books I have recently read
on the topic of human nature. The author is a Human Rights Lawyer who was so
captivated by one of his cases that he went on a sabbatical in order to
investigate what makes us tick. The book is an intriguing collage of personal
stories interwoven with neuroscience and Human Rights Law. 
If you are interested in the details of moral
reasoning and the most recent findings of neuroscience and behavioural research
on the topic of ‘Me vs We and Us vs Them’ then you may enjoy Moral Tribes: Emotion, Reason, and the Gap Between Us and
Them by
Joshua Greene.
Preview: Opening ourselves to new
experiences and perspectives is one of many ways to increase our well-being. A
very effective and inspiring way of achieving this is by hearing about the life
stories and experiences of other people. This is what the next post will be
about! For personal reasons the next post is likely to be published with a
slightly delay, but it will hopefully be available by the end of next weekend.
References and further reading:
1. Seligman MEP. Flourish: A New
Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being- and How to Achieve Them. Nicholas
Brealey Publishing; London, UK. 2011.
2. Diener E, Biswas-Diener R.
Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Blackwell
Publishing; Oxford, UK. 2008.
3. Eagleman D. The Brain: The story
of you. Canongate Books Ltd; Edinburgh, UK. 2015.
4. Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform
Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK.
2011.
5. Dias
D: The Ten Types of Human: A New Understanding of Who We Are and Who We Can Be.
William Heinemann; London, UK. 2017.
6. Greene
J. Moral Tribes: Emotion, Reason, and the Gap Between Us and Them. Atlantic
Books. 2014.
7. Fredrickson B. Positivity:
Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld
Publications; Oxford, England. 2010.
8. Hanson R: Hardwiring Happiness:
How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider Ebury Publishing, Random House,
UK. 2013.
9. Singer T, Bolz M (Ed.).
Compassion. Bridging Practice and Science. Max Planck Society; Munich, Germany.
2013.
10. Nettle
D. Personality: What makes you the way you are. Oxford University Press; New
York. 2007.
11. Chirot
D, Seligman MEP (Ed.). Ethnopolitical Warfare: Causes, Consequences and
Possible Solutions. American Psychological Association. 2001.
12. Hanson R: Hardwiring
Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider Ebury Publishing,
Random House, UK. 2013.
13. Marsh
J, Mendoza-Denton R, Smith JA (Ed.) Are We Born Racist?: New Insights from
Neuroscience and Positive Psychology. Beacon Press; Boston. 2010.
14. Graham
L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being.
New World Library; Novato. 2013.
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